I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
