They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
