I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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