the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
