You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
