Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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