Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
