Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
