My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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