At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
