There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
