first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
