Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
