You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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