I am midnight drunk by noon
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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