Already got asked if we're dating
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
