I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
