Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
