If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
