so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
