I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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