what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am midnight drunk by noon
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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