There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
