6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
