how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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