Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
