last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
