In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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