we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
