This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
