apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
this boner is exhausting
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
