that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
