Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
