You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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