She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
