I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
