I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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