Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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