I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
are you so shy because you have an std?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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