I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
