Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
