My friends, they love my intelligence
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
