Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
