i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
