This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
