Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
