I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
