she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
