We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
