Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The chlamydia really affected his face.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
