if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
