How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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