just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
