im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
