He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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