so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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