Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
