Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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