I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
