K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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