I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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