I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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