Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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