We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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