I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
